


Night and Day

by rocketdocket



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Fix-It, M/M, brief references to Aaron's abuse, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 06:16:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8833591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketdocket/pseuds/rocketdocket
Summary: Robert and Aaron are broken. Aaron tries to fix it. Then Robert tries to fix it. And then they fix it together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is the first fic I've ever written. And I thought up part of it while getting Panda Express. So please read it kindly. I guess you could call this a "fix-it" fic, because personally I was dissatisfied with how the Robert-kissing-Rebecca situation and following argument were resolved. I also continue to be frustrated and upset with Aaron's lowkey biphobia that has yet to fully be addressed. So I wrote this. Also, sorry if there's excessive crying. Whenever I try to think what I'd do in a situation, I'm always torn between lying down on the floor and falling asleep or crying. I went with crying. And let's be honest here, Aaron does cry a lot (and for good reason!). Title is from "Night and Day" by Fred Astaire, although Ella Fitzgerald does a wonderful rendition as well. The line that uses "you, you, you" was inspired by it. Enjoy!

The night after Rebecca confronted Aaron in the Woolpack, Aaron went to bed alone. He wasn’t sure where he stood with Robert, and a part of him was relieved that he wouldn’t have to lie awake in tense silence with Robert lying stoic beside him. He felt exhausted in a way only Robert could inspire in him. It was the good kind of tired though, the kind that let him know how important this was to him. He’d never felt like this before, towards anyone, and that made each spat all the bigger, the more tiring, and all-consuming. The stakes seemed that much higher with each conflict that he could lose this man he’d wanted for so long.

The part of him that wasn’t relieved to avoid a tense bedroom was worried. He knew where Robert was, as Robert and Aaron had crossed paths earlier as Aaron headed through to the Woolpack to grab a pint. As Robert breezed past him, he’d muttered “staying at Vic’s tonight” in Aaron’s ear, the ghost of his arm sliding across his back. No, he was worried about where this left them. Robert’s words continued to rattle around in Aaron’s head. Aaron felt simultaneously indignant and guilty at Robert’s anger towards him. Robert was in the wrong, right? He lied, again. _But he told you part of the truth, even though he didn’t have to. He’s never done that before_. But he kissed Rebecca! _But from what he said, she kissed him, and he pushed her away_. But Robert didn’t tell him about it, until he was caught out! _But, in the past, he would’ve just kept lying. He told you the truth almost immediately. Even when he started to lie, he stopped and corrected himself_. But – _But you love him, and he’s really trying_. But does that mean Aaron just forgives him for all of his mistakes?

This last mental question gave Aaron pause. Did he forgive Robert? He was so, so angry at him. And hurt. And, to be honest, insecure about it all. Was he really enough to keep Robert interested? Just him, nobody else, forever? He wanted to be enough. A thought came to Aaron, unbidden. _Is he going to take this away from you too?_ This thought floored him. He didn’t even have to pause to know who “he” was. Gordon. _Was Gordon going to take this happiness, this love, this wonderful, remarkable, impossible man away from you too?_

Aaron felt insecure being with Robert. And sure, part of that was from his and Robert’s history, and all the mistakes Robert had made. But Robert had proved himself now for months that he wasn’t that man anymore. Now, the majority of Aaron’s insecurities didn’t come from Robert or his past. It came from himself. Gordon had taken so much from Aaron. He had taken his childhood, his feelings of safety and family, the list goes on. But more than anything, he had taken away Aaron’s feelings of worth. That he was worthy of love. It was hard to imagine that he could ever be enough for Robert, but that wasn’t because Robert was bisexual, or anything else. It was because he couldn’t imagine a universe where he would ever deserve love from anyone, let alone from someone like Robert. Someone who seemed to love him so completely, without conditions. Someone who supported him through the trial, and everything else that came before, during, and after it, without wanting anything in return. Who actively denied a chance to be with Aaron because he knew Aaron wasn’t in the emotional or mental state to enter into a relationship.

Suddenly, it all seemed so clear. _Loving Robert doesn’t mean automatically forgiving him when he messes up. It doesn’t mean ignoring my emotions and not feeling them. It doesn’t mean never feeling insecure, or worried or upset. But it does mean acknowledging sometimes when Robert has shown up for me. When he’s done right. It means letting him know that I do realize he’s changed._

Aaron felt a flash of a memory of Robert’s face in the forest when he’d told him about his father. The disbelief Robert had shown when Aaron had told him “you’re amazing”.

 _I want Robert to know, to really feel, and understand, and believe, how amazing I think he is._ _But that means telling him, and showing him._

Aaron felt a sense of calm settle over him at this. He still felt angry and hurt over what had happened. He knew that he and Robert still had a lot to talk about. He felt nervous, but in the good kind of way, where butterflies fluttered inside his stomach at the love he had for this man. And with this mix of feelings, but with a semblance of a plan as to how to move forward and fix things, Aaron drifted off to sleep.

***

Aaron awoke on the wrong side of the bed. With a deep inhale, he could smell Robert’s cologne. “Soft,” he muttered to himself, shaking his head. He got out of bed, ready to get dressed at start his day. As he turned away from the bed, he saw something sat on the floor by the door, obviously slide under during the night. It was an envelope, with his name on it. A sense of dread filled him. He recognized Robert’s posh and slanted lettering on it. Was this the end? Was Robert ending their engagement? Aaron felt anger rise inside of him again, as well as blame. Robert had no right. It was him who had caused this, not Aaron. He was the one who cheated, and lied. He had caused this whole problem to begin with. How fucking dare he. With a scowl on his face, he aggressively grabbed the envelope from the floor and ripped it open. He was going to give that Robert Sugden a piece of his mind, fucking git bastard –

_Aaron –_

_I’ve left you this letter cause we’ve both agreed we’re not good at talking about this stuff. I thought maybe if I wrote it down I could face saying these things to you. Even writing this is down is hard for me. But I need to say it. I need to explain about Home Farm, and Rebecca, and everything I couldn’t say out loud to you._

_Rebecca kissed me, and I let her, because I wanted her on side for my scheme to get justice for Andy. But also, I wanted Home Farm. I let everything get clouded again by the pull of my old life. But I don’t want it, and I don’t need it. And I know each time I say that you don’t truly believe me. But I’m going to keep saying it, a thousand times if I need to – it’s you, and this family, as messed up as it is, that I want forever._

_Rebecca blackmailed me about the kiss to get me to help her try to break Lachlan out of court. And I was beside myself with worry about losing you over something I did for the old me, the one who wanted those things, that I started to go along. I was worried if I told you you’d be disappointed in me, or think that I wanted her. But when I got a call from you, when I saw your name and face on my phone, it all stopped. My father’s voice in my head quieted and all I wanted was to go home to you and be honest. To come clean and repair it all._

_I fight against every urge, every impulse within myself, to lie and cheat and manipulate, and deconstruct it all, until all that’s left is “you, you, you”. Every breath, every impulse becomes you, Aaron, and nothing, not wealth, not power, not vengeance could ever shake that. You asked me if we needed the Home Farm deal. And it took me until that day I told you I lied and saw Rebecca that I realized that I didn’t. Before I knew you, all there was, all that existed was the version of myself I thought he’d want. My father’s approval was all that I could focus on. It was the palace that I had built up in my mind. I needed to be successful, I needed to be in power, I needed control because I felt so out of control. I wanted so desperately to be that person he wanted me to be, but that meant sealing away every part of myself that made me not fit that picture. I need to be wealthy, I needed to be straight, married to a beautiful, wealthy, and high-class woman like Chrissie. It left me cold, and miserable, and ashamed. I truly tried to love Chrissie, and in my own way I’m sure I did, but I could never give myself to her completely. I could never share with her my full self, because that meant deconstructing the fantasy. If I wanted what my father made me then that demanded hiding that part of myself, forever. And then I met you._

_I have shared parts of myself with you, Aaron, that I didn’t dare share with myself in my darkest of times. I told you about my father. I told you I was bisexual. I was honest with you in times when I couldn’t be honest with myself. You have made me happier than I ever imagined I could be in my life. I thought the highest kind of happiness I was allowed would be the false life I built around the Whites. And through it all, there’s always that small part of me that is afraid to love you – so wholly, so completely, denying all others, because I think of all that I’ve done in my life, and all that I’ve lost, and think “how could I get this?” I wanted you, and I wanted Home Farm and its power, and money, because what if I couldn’t have you? What if, after everything, I was right and I couldn’t experience this level of happiness, with you, forever?_

_But I can’t have you, and have Home Farm, because I can’t have those things and risk you. Devoting myself to you fully means denying that part of myself that wanted money, status, and power. It means giving up, forever, my father’s approval, and finally recognizing that I don’t need it, if I can have you. I would die for you Aaron, and I’ve never felt that way in my whole life. I never thought I would, or would let myself. But against everything, I found you, and if it kills me, I won’t lose you. Because you make me the kind of person I can be proud of. And I never thought I’d experience that in my life._

_Saying all that, I’ve sacrificed so much for you Aaron, so it hurts me when you say that I haven’t changed. It makes me feel like no matter what, it’s not enough. I’ll never be enough. I’ve told you time and time again that I’ve changed, and I have. I am a completely different person now than I was when we first met, and when we began our affair. I hope this letter helped show that. But I tell you that being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on you, and you don’t believe me. And that burns, Aaron. That hurts me. I explain to you about my sexuality and I think we’re in a good place and then I see the anger in you, and the resentment, and all the voices come flooding back. The ones inside my head that told me “you can never share that part of yourself with anyone. You’re disgusting”. You have shown me you can love me despite everything. But I don’t want this to be something you love me in spite of. Is that wrong? Is that selfish? Is that too much to hope for, that you could love and respect this part of myself? I honestly don’t know. Maybe I was wrong to share that part of myself at all. But, at the same time, I can’t believe that. Being with you fully means no walls, no secrets, no hidden parts of me. And that’s scary as fuck, Aaron, but I’m trying every day. It allows me to feel true emotion and love. And I’m not willing to give that up, Aaron, not without a fight._

_Love,_

_Robert_

_P.S. Please never show this letter to anyone, not Liv or your Mum or anyone. In fact, burn this letter after reading it. I’ve gone incredibly soft and it’s all your fault. Cheers for that._

 

Aaron stood stunned. Tears were streaming down his face at the words Robert had written. Some of the tears were from happiness at the love he felt from the words he had never heard Robert speak aloud. Others were bittersweet, at the explanation of Robert’s old mistress (no pun intended) Home Farm. But worst of all were the tears gathering for the pain Robert had expressed at the end, at Aaron’s feelings towards his bisexuality. Skimming them back over, Aaron fully burst into tears. _I was supposed to support him. Love him, in a way he had never been loved by anyone, not about this. But I failed him. I let him regret sharing that with me._ Aaron wrapped his arms around himself, still clutching the letter in one hand. With the other, he quickly reached up, his sweater covering his hand, and wiped furiously at his eyes. _I have to find him, and make this right._

Aaron raced down the stairs and through the kitchen, ignoring Chas, Charity, and Liv’s confused and concerned faces. Chas began following after him hurriedly, calling “AARON??? AARON, WHAT’S GONE ON?” He felt bad making her worry, but he couldn’t spare more than a thought for her, and he definitely couldn’t slow down or explain. He had to get to Robert, his fiancé, the love of his life, who was no doubt hurting right now. Who he’d let down.

Aaron sprinted through the town, thankful that not too many people were up yet, or were otherwise working in the fields and therefore not in the street to gawk at him. Soon enough he’d reached Vic’s house, frantically banging on the door before deciding _fuck it_ and trying the handle. It was unlocked, and swinging the door open, Aaron raced inside. “VIC, IT’S AARON WHERE’S –

Aaron cut himself off at Adam, Victoria, and Robert’s shocked faces, all sat around the kitchen table. Robert moved first, hurrying up to Aaron but slowing down a foot away, moving forward intentionally. With concern written all over his face, Robert reached up and held Aaron’s face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away Aaron’s tears. “Aaron, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” This only caused Aaron to cry harder, at this caring man who was always so gentle, so caring and full of love, that Aaron had hurt. Aaron reached out suddenly and hugged Robert to himself, whispering through sobs “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. Over Robert’s shoulder, he saw Adam and Victoria stand from the table and move to leave the room towards the stairs, both letting Robert and Aaron know they were upstairs if they needed them. Robert was still frozen against him, but Aaron felt rather than saw him move to look down at the letter still clutched in Aaron’s hand. Finally calming, Aaron said “read your letter” a little gruffly, embarrassed at this point with how he had reacted, especially in front of Vic and Adam. He was sure they were upstairs sick with worry.

At Aaron’s words, Robert tensed and then relaxed fully against Aaron, nosing himself into Aaron’s neck, shooshing him and rubbing his hand on his back, saying “soft lad”. After they had stood there for a minute, Robert leaned back from the hug, wiping Aaron’s eyes again, and kissing his forehead. “Why don’t we sit down on the couch, yeah? I’ll grab us some water.” Aaron laughed lightly, self-conscious, and nodded his head.

When they were sat down on the couch facing one another, Aaron sipping water, Robert opened his mouth to speak when his cell rung. Pulling it out of his pocket to turn it off, he glanced down to see it was Chas ringing. He picked up the call, saying “Hey Chas,” to let Aaron know what was going on.

Aaron didn’t have to strain to hear Chas bellowing “IS AARON THERE WITH YOU?? DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?!” on the other end. Aaron winced, again ashamed that he had caused such a big fuss.

Robert reached out and stroked his leg while replying “It’s okay Chas, he’s here with me. He’s alright. We just need to talk through some things.” Aaron looked up at Robert’s face, and saw him look nervously up at Aaron while continuing, “Yeah, I think everything’s going to be fine. I’ll get him to call you later.” Hanging up the phone, Robert brought up an empty text message, and Aaron noticed it was to Vic. Again, Robert looked tentative as he said “just don’t want her to worry, you know”. Finishing the text message, he held down the power button, turning off his phone. Nervously sipping his water, he smiled his soft Aaron-only smile, and asked “what’s all this about, huh?”

“I think I should go back to counseling,” Aaron said, his mouth moving before his mind had caught up. Robert, who had just went to take another sip of water, unattractively dribbled it back into his glass, a shocked look taking over his face. “I mean— ah, I’m saying this all wrong, that’s not what I wanted to start with, just– I was thinking, last night, and after reading your letter too, and the thing is, I love you. And you’ve changed so much for me, sacrificed so much for me, and I want to be able to show you that.” Robert’s eyes softened. “But the things is, I’ve been… what’s that psychobabble word the counselors always use… projecting. Robert, I— I don’t have a problem with you being bisexual.  I love you, including, not in spite of, that. But I pushed all my insecurities onto you because of me. Because after everything, I still struggle a lot with myself. And I don’t want to do that anymore. Because you’re too important. We’re too important. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me—” Aaron’s voice broke at that last phrase, and he stopped to regain composure. Another tear slipped from his eye that he quickly wiped away. He noticed that Robert’s eyes were red-rimmed as well, and his lips were trembling the same way they had been in the forest.

“You mean that, you really do? About… about me being bi,” Robert softly asked.

“Yes, absolutely. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I will regret those things I’ve said to you for forever, and that it’s taken me this long to realize what was really going on, but yes. Robert, I love you, and I think you’re amazing, and that includes you being bi,” Aaron said earnestly. For the first time in a long while, real tears slipped from Robert’s eyes, and then he was the one sobbing. Aaron hurriedly pulled Robert into him, comforting him as Robert sobbing into the front of his shirt. “Hey, hey, you’re alright Rob. I love you. You’re alright.” Aaron muttered softly, hugging Robert tighter to him still, tears clouding his own eyes. He loved this man so much, it surged up within him and threatened to take over everything. He didn’t think he’d mind.

As Robert settled down, Aaron attempted to lighten the mood saying, “Ugh, now we’ve both become that couple who cry over their feelings. Proper couple of mugs.” Robert laughed softly, pulling back to kiss Aaron’s cheek tenderly.

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” He said softly, remaining close to Aaron’s face. They both leaned forward and got caught up in a tender and intimate kiss.

“IT’S GONE QUIET DOWN THERE, YOU LOT BETTER NOT BE HAVING SEX ON OUR SOFA,” Victoria yelled down from upstairs. At that, Robert and Aaron both burst out laughing. Robert turned seriously to Aaron in that moment. “About what you said, about counseling— I think that’s a really good idea. You’ve been through so much Aaron, and struggled for so long, and that stuff isn’t going to go away overnight. I’ve said it before, you’re the strongest person I know. Deciding to do this only makes me think you’re even stronger than I ever imagined. And I’ll be with you every step of the way, supporting you. Whatever you need,” Robert finished quietly.

“I know.” And for the first time in their relationship, they truly did know. They knew everything about what the other one was thinking, feeling, and experiencing. And things weren’t perfect. They had a long road ahead of them to get there, and they probably never would be _perfect_ , because that was impossible. But things were really, really good.

“You know, this whole communicating thing isn’t half bad. We should do it more often,” Robert said under his breath with a laugh. “Now let’s go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well there you go! My first fic. Thanks for reading this far. Hope at least one person out there enjoyed it. :)


End file.
